March 11, 2013

Removing Training Wheels

I overspent my time this weekend.  I am starting out the workweek exhausted instead of revived.

Being overspent is an issue that came up again and again in my relationship with Ben.

I worry that not being with Ben will make me worse version of myself because his input tempered my (often detrimental) inclinations.  I have seen so many divorcees turn into worse versions of themselves without the temperance of their 'better half'.

I need to figure out how to balance the Do-Less practice, that I witnessed and learned more about when I was with Ben, with the I-Am-Beholden-To-No-One-And-Can-Now-Do-Exactly-What-I-Want freedom that allows me to accomplish a whole lot of the things I want to accomplish in my life.  It makes sense that the trick would be figuring out the patterns of what I can and should avoid saying "yes" to in the future.  As I review my weekend, however, I don't come up with a clear, "Duh, shouldn't have done that" or "That part wasn't really worth it".  Yet, if all the Worthwhile Things sum to create Exhausted Alyssum, then were they really worthwhile?  I don't ask that rhetorically.  I have existed on the premise that I could do all the Worthwhile Things whenever they occurred and catch up on sleep and mundane things like housework between them.  It's pretty much worked.  But A) I'm in a more fragile emotional state right now that requires more energy than I like to admit;  B) I have set up a pretty fantastic life for myself here in DC where Worthwhile Things abound; C) I'm on my own to regulate my schedule now--no professors or boyfriends to provide external structure.  I've taken off my training wheels.

That metaphor is funny because in addition to being exhausted, I have skinned knuckles and a sunburned neck today.  Similar to the way a kid falls and scrapes themselves to pieces when training wheels are removed from their bicycle, I am seemingly unable--yet--to manage putting sunscreen all over my face AND neck by myself, or opening a bottle of soda on  my own.  Physical extensions of the broader self-ineptitude I'm encountering as I try to manage my schedule.

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