March 16, 2013

Letting Awareness Drive

Be kind to yourself.  Be kind to yourself.  Just take the day as it comes.  What first?  Pendants.  Okay, yes, finally putting heat to metal, soldering.  Damn! burned my hand.   Again!  Ouch.  Yeah, I'm out of practice.  What is this hollowness in my throat, is it from the soldering chemicals? *finish soldering, put things away*  Nope, the air bubble in my throat is still there--must be emotional.  What is up with that?  I don't know, I'm a little afraid to find out.  I just want to take the day for myself.  I don't want upset.  *Call friend, for distraction, talk through some issues*  Yes, I'm still feeling very vulnerable and defensive.  Why's that?  What am I afraid of?  Aha!  I am afraid. *tears*  Why am I afraid, what's so scary?  I'm afraid that I'll regress, that being single will mean that I won't be the best self I can be.  I have learned so many improvements over the years thanks to a partner.  I'm afraid I will regress.  I am also happy I don't have to compromise myself for someone else, but it is still scary to have to self-regulate.  Okay.  So I'll self regulate.  I just have to tell myself to behave the way the best me would behave.  How do I need to behave right now?  I need to apply to that opportunity, I need to work on that creative project, I need to practice dance, I need to continue working on pendants, I need to fix myself some healthy food, I need to get cat food, I need to go for a walk, I need to respond to those emails, I need to....  No! I am so overwhelmed!  How do I self regulate?  What would Former Partner say?  "Alyssum, chill out, stop working so hard.  It's okay to relax.  Just sit here and talk to me."  Okay.  I need to chill out.  But I don't really want to do that.  I really want to just do what I can do today, and be okay with the fact that I won't get it all done, and then I want a hug at the end of the day.  Someone to pat me on the head and be proud of all I've accomplished.  I guess I have to be that person.  How do I give myself a hug?  How do I rest? My jaw is tight.  Be kind to yourself.  Be kind to yourself.

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