In the past month, I've gone home for spring break (not really a break with all the studying/homework/take-home exams I had to do, but it was great to see Chelsea and Tiger and Mom and Dad), and Ben flew back with me (17 days straight together!). I had an exam the next day, and one at the end of the week. And then Cardiology (one of the biggest exams of the year) this past friday followed by a Toxicology exam on Tuesday (today) with a paper, a clinical pathology homework, holistic club duties, and working in the wildlife clinic between the two exams. Sigh. Now I don't have an exam til next monday--whew, a whole 5 days "break"! Oh yeah, and studying.
My life seems crazy to me. It seems so unbalanced. Most days it seems like I'm just chugging along, doing the best I can, struggling to get through all the material when I know that I will probably only get through it 1.5 times instead of the 3 or 4 times that would help me 'perform' a little better. I'm learning so much stuff, but don't have anytime to digest it at all (this is the first breath I've taken since the beginning of March). I aim to learn as much as I can and do well enough to pass, but even putting ALL MY EFFORT into it allows me to squeak by by the skin of my teeth which leaves no room for comfort or regular sleeping patterns or regularly well-cooked meals, or anything else that might normally save my sanity.
I have dreams about being pushed out of airplanes by my professors, and of graveyards with enormous, dark headstones. I am asked how I have time for dancing, but the answer is that I don't. I teach 4 classes/week, and it saves my sanity, but it also gives me the income I need to be able to buy groceries--they don't let us borrow enough to actually live on. So I take 33 credit hours of school this semester and work 10 hours a week on top of that. Which means I maintain my barely passing status. Stressful? Extremely.
But here in my 5 hours post-exam/ 5 days pre-next-exam moment, I have a breath of "Ah, it's nice outside. My head only aches dully and I will fix a good meal tonight." Here are some pics from my March.
[Little Tiger; Ice on a Rock during our Rock Bridge hike; laughing on the hike; Ben's face projected upon; if you blow this one up you see my classmate is simultaneously taking notes on the lecture we're being given and studying a power point for the upcoming exam from a different class--how typical; Ben in the midnight blizzard; the pond behind my house during the midnight blizzard (long shutter speed); nearby graveyard (long shutter speed); paper given to me by Percy the screech owl at the Wildlife Clinic who was trying to nest with me; Percy]
March 10, 2007
We have been telling the people that this is the Eleventh Hour
Now we must go back and tell the people this is the Hour
And there are things to be considered:
Where are you living?
What are you doing?
Are you in right relation?
Where is your water?
Know your garden.
It is time to speak your truth.
Create your community.
Be good to each other.
And do not look outside yourself for the leader.
This is a good time!
There is a river flowing now very fast
It is so great and swift that there are those who will be afraid.
They will try to hold on to the shore.
They will feel they are being torn apart and they will suffer greatly.
Know the river has its destination.
The Elders say we must let go of the shore, and
push off and into the river, keep our eyes open, and our head above the water.
See who is in there with you and Celebrate.
At this time in history, we are to take nothing personally.
Least of all, ourselves.
For the moment that we do, our spiritual growth and journey comes to a halt.
The time of the lone wolf is over.
Banish the word "struggle" from your attitude and your vocabulary.
All that you do now must be done in a sacred manner
And in celebration.
"We are the ones we have been waiting for..."
-The Elders, Hopi Nation, Oraibi, Arizona
(Thank you Rachael for sending this to me)