December 27, 2010
December 25, 2010
December 15, 2010
After a crazy last day of finals yesterday, I hung out with Ben and MIIS friends in Monterey, crashed out for 8 hrs, had french toast, went for a walk on the beach, drove back to Gilroy, napped for 5 hrs, and now I am officially on Winter Break. A quarter of my master's done already! Crazy. Anyway, I have lots of time to relax, be creative, hopefully find a new home in Monterey...Here I goooooooooooooooooooooooo
December 11, 2010
I went to bed more than 2 hrs ago, but I couldn't sleep. My head is exploding with sparkly ideas. Winter break is SOCLOSE, and I have so many things I want to do! But before it comes, I still have to finish 2 papers and study for 2 exams. Tuesday is my last crazy-filled day. Then rest! and fun! Until then, I'm not supposed to be spending energy or thoughts on sparkly ideas. This is a purge of how my brain feels right now:
December 10, 2010
December 5, 2010
If I seem like a know-it-all, it's partially because I've been traumatized. My bruised ego tells me I have so much information, and no way to use it, so my hackles get raised when I hear a possible opening in which to assert some of my knowledge. Before I open my mouth it seems like a perfectly reasonable set of facts to share, and I know what I'm saying is correct...but once I'm speaking, I feel my heart racing, pounding, my face flush, my words start to get jumbled and less coherent. A physiological reaction to speaking about this content. As though I'm lying--a strong inhibitory response. I'm not lying, I know what I'm saying is correct, why is my body betraying me like this? I notice everyone turned in their seats to look at me, I am acutely aware of the professor's lack of reply, I feel like a shameful idiot. There I am, exposing my wound for all to see. Letting the stench, the nastiness of my past smear me before my peers. I'm confused, disappointed in myself, impatient with the healing process. My face is red, there are tears in the corners of my eyes, I feel like running away, but all I've done is try to share a tidbit of knowledge from my past with others. The situation for outsiders was probably awkward, though forgettable. In comparison, my internal monologue damningly runs, "I suck. I suck. I've screwed up everything wasting my breath on something that doesn't matter anyway. I suck." What happened to the confident, charming, well-spoken young lady of the day before? Why must vet school continue to haunt me, turn me into a blubbering fool? Why does my ego take a stab at standing up when it should just stay seated? Why are humans so frail? Why are humans so bad at forgiving other humans' indiscretions? Why are humans so bad at forgiving their own?
Like an abscess, this wound erupts without warning. Like an abscess, this wound is not pretty. Like an abscess, this wound needs air.
I apologize to witnesses of this eruption.
Studying for Physiology in McGrath, 2004.
Inner monologue, then; "Just focus on this right now. You have another to study for next week. And every week. You must not fail. [deep down: Even though you probably will]."
Inner monologue, then; "Can't see the forest for the chlorophyll? Draw this again. You are no good until and unless you have this down completely. What are you forgetting? Probably something obvious and important."
Inner monologue right now, posting these pictures, "Why are you submitting to your ego still? Why do you feel the necessity to post pictures from vet school? Because it's so hard to imagine the intensity. I feel like these pictures are a tiny glimpse of the intensity I felt there. Why is it so important for you to impress upon people how shitty it was for you? I don't want to behave like a moron without some excuse. And I guess this is my excuse. A sad excuse. Why can't you suck it up and put on a brave face? I feel like I do, most of the time. That's what I want to do all of the time, but sometimes I can't help that I'm not impervious, that I make mistakes, that I'm still dealing with this part of my history. I am mad at me, sad at me, exhausted with this subject but can't shake it."
If you're still reading, Uggg. Double apology.