January 19, 2006

Whatever the Day Brings

I have had a couple weeks of weirdness--depression from nowhere, panic when not on the phone with a loved-one, etc. Sometimes I am fine, though, like today and last night--studying well, enjoying studying, feeling on top of things and settled. It's hard to say how/where these feelings come up,--all I know is I deal with them as best I can as they do, good or bad. Ben has reminded me that doing something that is ultimately worthwhile is, ...well, ...worthwhile. And I have had people ask me point blank if I like the material at school, and sometimes I forget about that. But, yes, yes I do like the material. And when I get my head wrapped around all that again, it makes it much easier to enjoy or at least tolerate being up here alone for school. Sigh.

When I was home, when people asked how school was it was so nice to say "let's talk about something else". It was also nice to hear people say "you'll get through it"--I believed them when they said it! Up here it's much easier to feel bereft of support, even though I know I have plenty. Hence the many occassions this week when I talked to a friend and felt like everything was okay, and then when they hung up, I'd panic because I was alone again. I have nothing to be upset about--not like last year when I was failing out of school and had my heart broken and the weather was abominable. Sometimes I think it's just "post traumatic stress syndrome" or something--just being reminded of all that sets me to feeling like I did last year. Somehow, though, that's gone for the time-being. But I never know what will or what won't make me feel like that again. Hmmm.

Anyway, as I say, today is a good day so it feels weird to be writing about being depressed because I feel great, and don't know how I could have felt so bad.
counting my lucky stars,

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