March 17, 2008

Epiphany. (in the nick of time!)

I have been planning on appealing to the school to allow me to repeat 3rd year and continue my vet education. I've been planning to do that on a very pragmatic level (makes sense, I already have so much time and $ invested, I'd probably regret not appealing). But I was sort of expecting to either let them make the decision (You're out anyway), or to make the ultimate decision myself over the summer if they allowed me to stay (should I really continue? or should I walk away?).

I had an epiphany last night that settled the unease. Here's my thinking.

There are two ways that I have been thinking about the situation and what I should do.
1. I am exhausted. I need a break. Having a job of any sort sounds good right now. I've been miserable up here in so many ways, and being given the opportunity to stop sounds like heaven. Starting fresh would be so nice.
2. I want to be a vet and I believe in my reasoning for becoming a vet (ecology! conservation!). It won't be easy, but working on figuring out how to do well academically here will probably have positive influence on the other parts of my life (ie, being more organized would help in many facets)--it would be a growing experience.

I think the problem for me was that I was flip-flopping between the two ideas. People keep telling me that I have to listen to my heart/what my soul is telling me. I finally figured out last night that
a. these are both TRUE statements for me. (my soul/heart have 2 truths!)
b. these are both VALID ways to go about making the decision at hand.
Hence, my confusion.
c. (here're the main points I was missing!) thought #1 is based on my experience of the past and thought #2 is based on a potential version of the future.

CLARITY! all of a sudden, it all became clear. One of the things that has been so upsetting to me is that my progress in school has been altered/decided by the fact that they look at my transcript (past) instead of my knowledge and potential (present & future). I don't want to make the decision for myself using a method that I don't think is particularly helpful in the long run. I have always made decisions from a place of optimism, drive, and some idea of how I want things to be in the future (improved). I have never made a big decision from a place of being beaten down or stuck in the past, and I don't intend to start now!

So, now, I finally know that I will not only be appealing on thursday, but that I will know WHY I'm appealing on thursday. I know that I want to continue bettering myself and the world around me. I know, too, that whatever decision the EFB comes to, it'll be okay. I will have gone in there with pure intentions to continue. If they decide they still want to dismiss me, I know that I can still work on bettering myself and my planet in some other fashion, and that will be okay. If they decide to accept my appeal and allow me to repeat 3rd year, I will have a challenging but rewarding year ahead of me.



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