Friend breakup heartbreak

There are many types of heartbreak:  the death of a loved one, the repeated disappointment you feel from questionable actions of a loved one, breaking up with your significant other, when your significant other leaves you...   And then, there's the heartbreak that stems from losing a close friend.  You thought the two of you were close, and you were enjoying, or wanted to enjoy, continued closeness with this person.  But it turns out they aren't interested in that sort of relationship with you any more.  Their motivations are dictated by shiny, new experiences, and, frankly, your presence in their lives has ceased to be important or a priority.  It's shocking, and yes, heartbreaking.  

I remember the first time I was heartbroken like this.  I was in 2nd grade.  I went to a Montessori school where 3 grade levels of children shared a classroom.  Sarah Shannon, who was a sweet chipmunk-faced 4th grader, and I had befriended one another.  We spent every day sitting on our mat, doing our work, and talking about whatever 2nd and 4th graders talk about.  I spent the night at her house and felt very grown up being her friend.  Then, one day, she didn't want to share a mat with me any more.  She wanted to share a mat with Marcie Schenck instead.  She invited her to spend the night and didn't even say goodbye to me at the end of the day.  I was devastated.  

I spent the evening gathering some peace offerings:  two tiny plastic rabbit figurines I had recently gotten for Easter, and tiny vial of rose water, and a die (as in dice).  Tiny things were my treasures, and I was going to offer Sarah, not one but BOTH of my newest tiny prized possession bunnies.  I hoped that my offering would help her see how much she meant to me, and that she might reconsider, and decide that I could at least join her and Marcie at their mat. 

The next morning, when my mom dropped me off at school, I remember she had to pull over and talk to me because I refused to get out of the car.  I sobbed, slumped down all the way in the back seat, miserable.  I was so embarrassed to be just a little 2nd grader, whose friendship, I inferred, was not nearly as good as Marcie's 3rd grade friendship.  I was so embarrassed that I had pretty much considered a 4th grader my peer.  How could I have been so dumb? But also, why didn't she like me any more?  I was too embarrassed to get out of the car and walk into my classroom like nothing was wrong, when I knew I'd be sad all day long.  Eventually my mom talked me into going into school, walking me in herself, at least 30 minutes late (explaining to the teachers in discrete terms so that they wouldn't draw attention to my predicament, and so I didn't get in trouble for being late).  I gave Sarah my little bunny figurines, and I don't think the gift registered at all with her.  And that was that.  I sucked it up, and had to move on.  But it left a scar on my heart.

A(n extreme) Day in the Life

Yesterday provides a caricature of my life.

7:30a Leave from my hotel in Charleston, SC, where I spent a couple days for NOAA Digital Coast partnership meetings.

Sage=
grey infrastructure (concrete bridge)
+
green infrastructure (wetland buffer)

9a-3p Invigorating meetings and discussion about how to make government more efficient and help policy makers and planners do their job well, basing their decisions about coastal resiliency using data and digital tools.  Laura (one of the other Digital Coast fellows) and I presented a project we've been working on, and got some great feedback.

Digital Coast partners meeting at NOAA

It's a fun group to work with;
Cinco de Mayo piñata and landsat imagery discussions.

Notes from presentation and discussion

Two NOAA Digital Coast Fellows

3p-6p Walk around downtown Charleston with one of my coworkers.

 

I love this color

Even the rickety old houses are beautiful

6p-10:30p Fly back to DC, then rush to the 9:30 Club where my friend Zoe's band, Beats Antique, was playing.

10:30p-12:30a Enjoy all-access viewing of the show (still in my work clothes, ha ha!).  Milled around visiting with dance friends and marveling at how packed the venue was (sold out!), and how cute all the baby bellydancer fans were.

Zoe's interpretation of Balinese shadowdance

 12:30a-2:00a Dress in a full-body skeleton unitard, don a vulture head mask (through which I could see approximately zero), get on stage and rock out the encore with Mavi, Zoe, David, & Tommy.  Oh, and a squid, apparently.  (I had no idea until I got these pictures that there was a giant squid! I told you I couldn't see through the mask!).

David rallies the crowd as Mavi and I blindly navigate space.

I brought her some macarons from a cute little French bakery in Charleston. Yum!

 2a-2:30a Cab home. Cuddle kitties.

33 and counting

Numbers alive--improving numerical literacy

I'm 33 and a bit.  Since my birthday, I have spent many hours alone at home, went on my first touristy trip in DC (to see the cherry blossoms) one morning before work, read half a novel (first time in forever), visited my friend Victoria up in Phildelphia, pressed through a couple terribly painful days when I was sick, and done a whole bunch of reflection.

When I got here in DC, I was hustling and bustling, excited about living in a new place, excited to be living alone without having to take care of someone else or worry about another person's day to day issues, excited to have a job I cared about for the first time, excited to have my free time be my time, and free time (no homework!).  I have not begun to take these things for granted.  However, I have settled in, which means I have become accustomed to these wonderful aspects of my life and have experienced lonely moments, issues arising at work, overbooking my free time, and realize that I still struggle financially. 

Now that I have settled in, I am trying to just enjoy what I have.  But I have one eye on the future.  What's next?  My fellowship is only 2 years long, and I'm 6 months in.  I need to start strategizing The Next Move.  I know that I'd like to re-establish myself in the conservation world a bit more strongly than where I am currently.  Beyond that, all bets are off.  I have lots of ideas, and the world is my oyster.  

I spent so long focusing on finishing a graduate degree and finding a job, that I hardly ever considered other long term goals.  Now, I find myself free to daydream.  I am unencumbered by a relationship, and can do anything anywhere I decide to do it.  (That's not to say a relationship is necessarily a hindrance, just that I don't have to consider another person's plans right now).  

Some longer-term possibilities:

Open a dance/arts/circus studio

Work on combining my arts and conservation goals

Stay in Washington

Move to Boulder or back to California

Focus on a conservation job internationally somewhere
Move into a tiny home to save on rent

Start an Alpaca farm

Go sailing

Delve more into performance

Depending on the day, my mood, etc, any and all of these options are super appealing. My life is a question mark right now.  And it feels warm and inviting to not know the answer to "What will happen?".  My 33rd year is off to a solid start. Lots of experience in store...

Beginner's Mind

I guest-blogged for The Dancer's Journal, the blog of Mecca, my home studio in Lexington KY.  Take a gander!

Marc Dalessio's Learning Curve

Blessed: A DC Salutation

Since I arrived in DC, I have appreciated how people here (especially the African American community) say, "have a blessed one" as a good-bye salutation.  "Blessed" is pronounced "bless-said," a full two syllables of blessedness.  Today, I heard for the first time:
"How you been?"
"I' been blessed."
It was a single syllable this time, but what a great answer to "How you been?"  These are small expressions of gratitude and good wishes, but I heartily approve of this sweetness.