My aunt, Mary, who has been a horse trainer for a long time down in Georgia just moved up to Kentucky last year, and has a 50 acre horse farm where she trains yearlings, and young racing thoroughbreds. I have been working for her on the farm for the past week. It has been a welcome physical respite from my 4 years of sedentary life, nose in the books. Working outside--filling fencepost holes with gravel; mowing huge fields in the sun, watching the swallows swoop down to collect the bugs I've disturbed; round penning and lunging the horses, grooming these great equine beasts; watching the dogs and cats and goat play together--makes me feel calm, less despairing, and more balanced. There is no question in my mind what my purpose is when I'm digging in gravel. "I am filling holes"--THAT is my purpose, right now, right here. On the farm, I am afforded lots of time for thinking, and thankfully it's not an academic setting (though I do have very good, intelligent conversations with Mary). My body aches every day, but it feels so good to be reminded that I have biceps, tendons in my elbows, epaxial muscles, rhomboids, and more--they are parts of my body that have been unused these many years, but are still there, and work well (though they are weak!). They are not my overworked brain, they are still fresh and willing to learn their jobs. I have to be careful with them, so that I don't overwork them, too. But I enjoy the work out there, blisters, sunburns, bruises and all.
Meanwhile, I've been continuing to work at Worlds Apart Home...which means I've been working 60 hrs/wk, seven days a week. It's a little much, and unfortunately it's unsustainable, financially, for me as well. Sigh. I enjoyed a good week just relaxing into the farm work, giving myself a break from the broken record of 'defeat' going on in my head. But unfortunately the job hunt must continue so that I will be able to start to pay off my hefty school loans in the next month or so. Any ideas?