In my head

Ben and I are at a crux--we are ready to move on, and it may be a literal move, but we're not sure where to/how/why yet. Our best friends in Lexington are all moving:
M & J--> to L'ville for med school
P & T--> to the west coast for acupuncture school
S--> to Colorado to begin her life as a physician assistant

We have been living unsustainably (financially speaking) for more than a year now, and I keep breaking down, crying "I can't do it anymore!"....but then I keep doing it. Well, it's gotta quit because it ain't gonna get better when my federal loans go into repayment, all the while we've been using my income to pay rent & bills, going into further credit card debt to pay for food, prescriptions & other necessities.

I'm proud of what I've done this year, though. It hasn't worked, but it was definitely what I had to try first. Namely, I spent a lot of time and energy applying to better paying jobs. Blame the economy, whatever, but in 15 months I have only had 2 interviews and no success. I've also spent a lot of time and energy thinking about what the hell needs to happen next--what do I WANT?? I had planned, for a little while, to go to physician assistant school but determined (the day I was supposed to register for classes) that my reasoning was something along the lines of "PA school is a logical answer because it will utilize all the medical training I already have, I will earn a good living when I finish, and I like people I know who are PAs. Also, I couldn't make it as a vet, so this is second best, but pretty good." It was that last part that I couldn't live with. I want my career to be passion-driven, not fail-driven. Because I had spent a good 6 years gearing myself up, and attending vet school, figuring out what ELSE could fill that niche just took time. Rather, IS STILL TAKING TIME. But I'm really glad I didn't just jump on board for something that I couldn't wholeheartedly condone. Other things I've been proud of this year: dancing more--going to San Francisco for Mira Betz's first Performance Intensive, performing @ Shadowdance, teaching workshops in Boston & Asheville (this weekend), and DANCING WITH RAKADU full time have been enormously cathartic (and passion-driven!) for me. And, of course, living with Ben again and having a very good real-time, close relationship with him.

So now what? We talk about moving, to change the scene, to start fresh. But clearly, having a place to go or a reason to go is paramount. I've been thinking about grad school again. I signed up to retake the GREs since they've expired. It would have felt a lot more like an ego blow to do that this time last year (I would have been so angry/frustrated/offended, "but I've already been in grad school for FOUR YEARS!")... but I'm taking things like that less personally these days, and just doing what needs to be done. I've been looking into oceanography graduate programs--specifically ones that are less research oriented and more policy/conservation/environmentally oriented. I think I'm feeling pretty good about this venture, although it does mean that if I become an oceanographer, I'll basically be saying goodbye to our landlocked state of Kentucky for the rest of my life )o: . Ben's been thinking about his uncertain but open-ended future as well.

I'll keep you updated as things happen.