January 8, 2009


Today was the day that I was supposed to register for classes at UK (pre-requisites for physician assistant school). I've spent many hours during the past week or two thinking about my life. I'm reading Eckhart Tolle's A New Earth: Awakening to Your Life's Purpose as well as Gregg Levoy's Callings: Finding and Following an Authentic Life, and they both prompted me to think about things differently--that is, NOT to think about them so much as to FEEL about them. I stayed awake all night a few days ago, mulling. I started that next day with tons of questions with no obvious answers, except that going to PA school was not the answer. Since then, I've been talking with friends and family about this--sort of ferreting out whether this was a decision I felt I could actually live with or whether it was just a late-night whim. My gut/heart has been staunch in maintaining the not-going-to-school-now mantra, which is interesting to me considering how stabilizing having PA school on the horizon made me feel for the past several months.
But that's just it: I think that the decision to go to PA school was one of impatience and "this makes good logical sense" instead of passion or "because-it's-actually-good-for-me". The 2 things I've learned from this whole getting dismissed from vet school situation are 1) I'm impatient and, 2) devastation takes longer to recover from than I was allowing myself ---these combined lead to me being dismissed because: Tufts Vet School Curriculum + Repeated Devastation with No Recovery Time = Too Much To Handle = Worst Devastation Yet.
So what now? I don't know. Chelsea's trying to get me to move to Boulder. San Francisco is also an option. Moving would necessitate some changes which would probably be good for me and Ben, though Ben points out that making changes is not moving-dependent. I know that I don't want to be in women's retail much longer (I never thought I'd be doing it this long in the first place...), I know that I am very excited by environmental/farming ideas, I know that I miss teaching dance, and that I'm really excited for FlowMingle to take off this year. We'll see where these points lead us.

On a complete side note, I took Parsnip to get spayed today. She's home now, no longer intact, and has helped herself to the cat-toy basket and is wobbily batting toys around. Awwwww.

I am happy with my decision to listen to my gut instead of my head for once. It doesn't speak up very often! (maybe I've just not been a good listener, or my gut and head have been in cahoots til now).


Tiffanie said...

go, Alyssum!!!

rubs to Parsnip.

onewooga said...

I vote San Fran--We can drive there more better! I am selfish that way.