Bearing Soul

When I write entries like yesterday's I feel a little conflicted. On one hand I don't want to seem like I'm complaining, and in that sense, maybe it would be better to keep some things private. On the other hand, I don't feel like I have anything to hide, and I've even been told that seeing a 'strong' person admit to 'weak' feelings can be encouraging for other people going through similar feelings of defeat or hopelessness. In the end, I guess I'm just sharing my feelings, and I hope I don't come across as whiny.

Just as I succumb to defeat...

This past weekend I came to the conclusion that I was okay with having to repeat 3rd year. I figured that I am so supremely stressed out, and it all comes from the impending feeling of doom and/or failure--a failure I have tasted before, and understand intimately. Repeating a year, for me, is not theoretical or an abstract threat, it's a visceral and terrible feeling, and I've spent an entire year of my life living in that feeling. And another year before that dreading it, and another year after that feeling like I was running (slowly, like in a bad dream) away from it. I came to school this semester refreshed, and excited, ready to take on 3rd year and kick its ass. Only 3 exams into the semester and I have been beaten over the head with the fact that I apparantly am unable of kicking exams-at-Tufts' asses. So, I succumbed to defeat. But before you protest, it was the good sort of succumbing. It was done in the spirit of pacifists. "I will not fight, and it might take me longer to win this battle, but I'm doing it on my terms". I decided that I have to do what is in my heart. And as contradicting as it feels because of all the stress vet school causes me, my heart tells me what I'm doing (going to vet school) is right. I enjoy learning about spider medicine. I think it's fricking cool that you can put oragel on a goldfish after you've excised a tumor. Thinking about spending my days driving in the country and talking to farmers or going to foreign lands to help save endangered species really really turns me on. Sigh. And so I am not giving up. What I AM giving up on, though, is studying for exams, because that has not done me any good and it makes me miserable. Instead, I am studying for my own learning, slowly at my own pace, and I am going to try my very very best not to care about the exam results. But just for fun, I created an excel worksheet the figure out how well I could do this semester (based on GPA) and also how poorly I could do. It turns out that the chances of my actually either failing or getting below a 2.0, while possible, is pretty darn low--lower than I thought. And that's encouraging! It means that I am validated in my conviction to study as well as I can in my own way. I'll get through it one way or another, and I don't even have to worry about repeating. Hopefully.

In the meantime, I'm being treated for severe depression and anxiety. It surprises me that I would be considered to have "severe" versions of both since I spend part of most of my days smiling and laughing and enjoying the day....but then again, I've been chronically depressed up here since August 2004, had to repeat a year, have a long distance relationship, had a house burn down and my cats die, and am still doing poorly academically. Okay, yeah, that's grounds for severe depression & anxiety, I guess.

Spider Gut

did you know that a spider's esophagus passes through it's brain? Or that the gut "stomachs" expand to places like into their legs and above their brain, under their eyes? (green)

From philisophical May

"Tests are life's way of saying, 'what's that, you don't have enough to worry about? Here you go.' "

I am so bummed. The first exam of the semester--the one that people were saying to me, "Wow, you really know your stuff; Oh god, how do you remember that?", the one where people were saying "you're going to get an A!" to which I realistically replied, "I'll hope for a C+".....I got a D+. I feel like quitting everything. But I'll plod on. Fuckers.

Real Astrology

(Rob Brezny's version of my horoscope for this week. Aries)

A few years ago, the Cambodian government decided that the country's karaoke bars had become hotbeds of vice. To suppress their evil influence, the prime minister called out the army's bulldozers and demolished them. Keep that in mind as an example of how NOT to proceed in the coming week, Aries. While the astrological omens do suggest that you should phase out bad and inferior influences from your life, they also warn against resorting to overkill. As you rightfully purge the weird karma lingering in your vicinity, don't create a new batch of weird karma.

Oh no!

Today we practiced a few things with the surgeons like hand ties, instrument ties, instrument identification, SOAPing (medical write-up), and scrubbing/gowning/gloving. While exams often frustrate me and make me feel stupid, this was the first ‘hands-on’ thing that has done the same. I could feel the blood rushing to my face in embarrassment and anger as the surgeon marked red all over the page, telling me I had left things out and to start again (3 separate times). It was frustrating because I actually HAD included the relevant information each time, and she jumped to the conclusion that I hadn’t when it wasn’t in the order that she was looking for. But of course, the point is that my organization was lacking and that’s really what she wanted me to fix. I appreciate that because in the long run it will save me a lot of oversight and poor planning. But I just wish that she would have been a little clearer in the first place about what it was that she expected from us so that I could have been better prepared to do a good job and not look like I was fumbling through the exercise that I actually had prepared for!